THE ART OF SELF-LOVE

What do I mean by self-love? I simply mean loving and caring about yourself. After all, if you don’t, why should anyone else? And, if you don’t love and honor yourself first, how can you possibly have anything in the “love well” to share with others?

I hear you protesting: “You don’t mean I should be selfish or self-centered, do you? After all, I’m trying to be a kind, caring, spiritually-oriented person here. Doesn’t that mean that I should give of myself? Doesn’t that mean that I should share with others? I don’t want to be thought of as selfish!”

Let’s examine that. First, being self-centered isn’t necessarily a bad thing! If you look at the word, it means being centered in self. As in knowing yourself, liking yourself, holding yourself in high regard and staying in your center. It doesn’t mean having no regard for others. It means loving yourself enough to remain centered in yourself even when others are trying to pull you off balance.

Selfishness, on the other hand, has the negative connotation of being so totally absorbed in yourself that you don’t care what anyone else wants. Being selfish usually implies that you are just concerned with yourself and no one else.

I would argue that self-love is not selfishness. Self-love means you love yourself as well as others. I’m not well-versed on Bible quotes, but doesn’t it say in there somewhere that you’re supposed to “love thy neighbor as thyself?” The problem is, most people forget the “as thyself” part, and simply focus on the loving others part. But, how can there be any love left over for others if you don’t have any love for yourself in the old love bank account?

As you know, trying to write a check on an empty bank account results in bounced checks and overdraft charges. It’s messy and embarrassing, and simply gets you further in the hole financially. It’s the same with love. It’s hard to truly love someone else if there’s no love inside for yourself.

I hear you again! “But, aren’t we supposed to share? Aren’t we supposed to help those who need our help?”

Well, any time I hear the words “should” or “supposed to,” I cringe. Why? Because true love and help come from a place of “want to,” not “should”.

For example, look at small children. They are often loving and giving and will gladly share their toys with others, unless they are told they have to! As soon as a toddler is made to feel guilty or somehow bad for not wanting to share a toy, he or she will dig their heels in and say “mine”! Yes, they can eventually be convinced to share, but usually not without a lot of undue guilt and bad feelings.

Think of times as an adult when you’ve been manipulated, through guilt or a sense of duty, to share when you didn’t really want to. It could have been through a charitable solicitation, a relative in need of a handout, or a panhandler who made you feel guilty for not sharing a bit of what you have so much of. How did you feel about giving, when you didn’t really want to? It didn’t feel good, did it? There was no feeling of satisfaction, no love exchanged with the money or help given.

Now, think back on the times when you gave spontaneously, because you wanted to. How did that make you feel? Wasn’t it much more fun? I was watching a program about people who’d won huge lotteries and I was absolutely charmed by one fellow who took great pleasure in leaving large tips to waitresses (usually in restaurants that he normally didn’t frequent, so no one was expecting a big tip). He told of one waitress for whom he’d left a $1,000 tip. When she ran after him to tell him his mistake, he gave her another one thousand dollar bill for being honest! He got such a kick out of doing that and he did it often and anonymously. It wasn’t for publicity or to prove what a fabulous guy he was. It was because he could and he wanted to. No “should” or “supposed to” involved.

What does all this have to do with self-love? Well, let me ask some questions of you: How often have you given of yourself when you really didn’t want to, but felt you should? Or, convinced yourself that you should want to? How many times have people used your good nature against you? How often have you been left feeling used and abused after an exchange with a boss, co-worker, friend or family member? Do you even know what a personal boundary is, let alone have the ability to set it?

Again, I’m not talking about having no regard for the needs of others. Those of you who’ve had small children know that it doesn’t matter what you want, the needs of those incapable of taking care of themselves comes first. But, barring infants and toddlers, you always have a choice in helping or not, in giving or not, in participating or not. Yes, I know the kids need to get to school and soccer matches and music lessons. But, you don’t always have to take them. You can find others to share that chore with you. And you most certainly don’t have to be the one to volunteer to be the room mother, snack bringer, uber-organizer for every stinkin’ thing! Let someone else step up to the plate and have the joy of helping. Don’t be selfish by appearing to be selfless. Let others share in the delight of giving.

What about adults? Do you have a friend who only calls when she needs to complain about her life or wants you to do something for her? You know who she is — she’s the one who makes you roll your eyes when you see her number on your caller I.D.! She’s the one who asks you how you are, then launches into the latest drama in her life. Now, if this friend reciprocates when you’re having a bad day, that’s a balanced friendship. What I’m alluding to is the person who has no regard for you or your time, and the fact that you don’t love yourself enough to quit making excuses for her bad behavior and go find yourself a more balanced friendship.

Okay, you can see that. But, what about family? Don’t I have to be nice to my parents and siblings, even when they don’t honor who I am or what I try to do for them? Because family sticks together, does for one another, etc.

Unfortunately, family can often be the most toxic, least boundary-honoring people on the planet. Does that mean you cut them off completely? After all, you can make new friends, but you can’t replace your family. My answer to you is, if you wouldn’t put up with a particular behavior from a friend or co-worker, you do not have to put up with it from a family member. If you love and honor yourself, you will not permit yourself to be abused and manipulated by anyone. Period.

Restrict the time you spend with guilt-inducing family members. Totally cut out of your life anyone who has been physically or sexually abusive, because you don’t owe that person a damn thing! And if you truly love yourself, you surround yourself with loving, kind, caring people who know the real you and love you for who you are.

This is not easy, I know. As babies, we are self-love personified. We think our toes are fabulous and our hands and fingers absolute wonders. We smile, laugh and share our love of our marvelous selves with those around us. But, as we get older, we are taught that it’s wrong to love ourselves, that everyone is far more important – more worthy of love – than we are. And, gradually, we lose that self-love, forgetting that we are worthy of love and honor simply because we are created by Divine Love. Our souls are sparks of God’s love light and it’s a crime against ourselves and a slap in the face of our creator to deny the love that we are born from.

The love of self. So simple, really. Allow the energy of Divine Love to fill you to overflowing. Then, and only then, will you be able to share that love with others – freely, because you want to, because it feels right, because you have more than enough to go around. Keep re-filling yourself with Divine Love until it becomes second nature. Allow that Divine self-love to let you see who is draining you, who is not honoring you, who you need to avoid. Just because you are filled with Divine self-love does not mean you have to share it with everyone who demands it of you. You get to choose, without guilt or censure.

So, dig down deep into your past, feel what it was like to have total self-acceptance and love, and bring that feeling forward into now. Keep it there.

Remember that self-love is not selfishness or disregard for others, it is being centered enough in yourself and in your connection to Divine Love to be a bringer of light and love to the planet. It’s about being a beacon of joy and happiness, not a self-less martyr who gives and gives and gives, then wonders why they have nothing left for themselves.

It is up to you. Set some boundaries, clear out the negative people in your life and allow the universe to send in the love that is yours by Divine right. You not only deserve it, it’s long overdue!

Dr. Davies is a licensed Naturopath in Washington State and channels Spirit and heals from a distance. She can be reached at: http://www.barbaradavies.com and 1-425-231-4342

You may wish to read more by Dr. Davies at:
Heart to Heart - what's on your mind? http://www.thehealingjournal.com/node/515
LOVE - hearts and flowers and candles and romance - http://www.thehealingjournal.com/node/531
FLIP the FEAR - http://www.thehealingjournal.com/node/269
Trinity - It Is You - Channelled Message from Jesus - http://www.thehealingjournal.com/node/1361